So I haven't been to class in a while. Since the new year really. I was away until the 19th, and when I was back, I had a pretty nasty cold, which now turned into the a really large lumpy sore throat, which is the flu now.
The last few weeks have filled me with a lot of anxiety over things I have to admit I have very little control over. Like when I'll get better, about all the weird side effects I'm getting on my current medication, how my new career change is going, how I'm a bit stymied when it comes to my I Ho Chuan goals (which are long overdue already. which makes me scared that I've failing before it even begins), and the list goes on.
But that's not the point of this post. Fact is, it sounds a lot like complaining, which is not where this is going. The reality is I'd be really surprised if I am the only person who has or is feeling this way. I believe a lot of this anxiety has built up specifically because I have spent so little time around the kwoon.
Last night, I drove by the kwoon, long after it was locked and there was not a soul in sight. I have no idea what motivated me to do so, but I sat and stared through the windows for a while. I looked at the dragon in the corner, the tiles on the walls, the lion heads, the framed photos near the ceiling, trying to take in every little detail. For a moment I felt like I was inside, even though I wasn't, and I felt a sense of calm for a few minutes that I am still confused about.
I decided that today I would go to the kwoon during sansou class, regardless of how I felt, at least just to sit and watch as much as possible. Which I did. I was expecting to see, watch, learn, think about kung fu a little bit as I have before, but something even more surprising happened. I didn't think about anything at all. I was just watching. I wasn't really thinking about what I was seeing, because I was amazed at how calm I felt for the first time in a while.
I still don't clearly understand what this is all about, and I apologize if it seems like I'm rambling. These last two days have left me lots to think about. But what I do know is that somehow, without me knowing when, the kwoon has become very much a part of me, and I hope, me a part of it. If I was a battery, it appears that the kwoon has become a charging dock for me.
Part of the reason why I am chewing on this so much is because I feel like I am right around the point that I am looking for but I can't seem to zoom in on it. I keep going around the very thing I am looking for. I like to try and keep things clear, straightforward, in a very quantitative way. I feel like this is going to take awhile to sort, define, and understand in a quantitative way.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Captain's Blog, Stardate 2013.01.28, U.S.S. Enterprise - Le Tiger Trial
Whew. I totally had lots to write about this. But my notes aren't detailed and I have the following:
Things learned:
1) Consistent practice is really important. Consistency is really important. I wrote this 5 times. Suffice to say I really wanted to write about that. It appears as if it was an explosive flare going off in my head as opposed to the standard lightbulb.
2)Watching the black belts do their forms was really really cool. It was really inspiring, in an "omg did you see that!?" kinda way. Then if you think about it and replay it in your head, you realize you can't see just one specific thing that they did differently. And if you try to describe what it was, it is really really difficult. But you know that it was completely different than what you saw it as. It sets a whole new benchmark, and yet you don't see how that is even on the same axis of what your previous benchmark was.
Anyway, I'm not sure how to go into that any further, but hopefully my rambling makes sense to someone. I don't even completely understand what I am getting at, but that's what i do have so far. maybe I'll figure it out in the future.
Things learned:
1) Consistent practice is really important. Consistency is really important. I wrote this 5 times. Suffice to say I really wanted to write about that. It appears as if it was an explosive flare going off in my head as opposed to the standard lightbulb.
2)Watching the black belts do their forms was really really cool. It was really inspiring, in an "omg did you see that!?" kinda way. Then if you think about it and replay it in your head, you realize you can't see just one specific thing that they did differently. And if you try to describe what it was, it is really really difficult. But you know that it was completely different than what you saw it as. It sets a whole new benchmark, and yet you don't see how that is even on the same axis of what your previous benchmark was.
Anyway, I'm not sure how to go into that any further, but hopefully my rambling makes sense to someone. I don't even completely understand what I am getting at, but that's what i do have so far. maybe I'll figure it out in the future.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Captain's Blog, Stardate 2013.01.12, U.S.S. Enterprise - Where in the world??
Dear cyberspace,
I have been out of town since new year's eve. Miss the wide open space of home. le sigh. Hectic rush to get things done and cramped high density population areas leads to a poor atmosphere to practice kung fu, and physical conditioning. High carb local diet is making me tired and my body really wants to go back to my previous high protein diet. So suffice to say I am nowhere near my peak physical performance.
Also hurt my back a few days ago. It's gotten better, as I have been taking it really really easy, so we'll see where that goes. As much as I am enjoying myself at the moment, part of me definitely looks forward to home, open space, and training. For now I have been practicing the hand parts of my forms. I guess when I get back I'll have to do only stances to get caught up. Definitely scared I'll forget my forms. eeek.
Anyway hope everyone is having a really good start to the year!
PS I know this is a no brainer. But i find that it is really easy to take certain things for granted, like the air at home. That clean, crisp air is not a luxury that everyone in the world knows, especially those that are born and bred in high density population areas. So definitely take a moment to enjoy that which is so easily forgotten. That's just one of the things that I don't really think about, but makes a huge difference.
PPS I'm shrinking. Losing so much mass and muscle tone. Hopefully it's mostly in my head. :(
I have been out of town since new year's eve. Miss the wide open space of home. le sigh. Hectic rush to get things done and cramped high density population areas leads to a poor atmosphere to practice kung fu, and physical conditioning. High carb local diet is making me tired and my body really wants to go back to my previous high protein diet. So suffice to say I am nowhere near my peak physical performance.
Also hurt my back a few days ago. It's gotten better, as I have been taking it really really easy, so we'll see where that goes. As much as I am enjoying myself at the moment, part of me definitely looks forward to home, open space, and training. For now I have been practicing the hand parts of my forms. I guess when I get back I'll have to do only stances to get caught up. Definitely scared I'll forget my forms. eeek.
Anyway hope everyone is having a really good start to the year!
PS I know this is a no brainer. But i find that it is really easy to take certain things for granted, like the air at home. That clean, crisp air is not a luxury that everyone in the world knows, especially those that are born and bred in high density population areas. So definitely take a moment to enjoy that which is so easily forgotten. That's just one of the things that I don't really think about, but makes a huge difference.
PPS I'm shrinking. Losing so much mass and muscle tone. Hopefully it's mostly in my head. :(
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