So I haven't been to class in a while. Since the new year really. I was away until the 19th, and when I was back, I had a pretty nasty cold, which now turned into the a really large lumpy sore throat, which is the flu now.
The last few weeks have filled me with a lot of anxiety over things I have to admit I have very little control over. Like when I'll get better, about all the weird side effects I'm getting on my current medication, how my new career change is going, how I'm a bit stymied when it comes to my I Ho Chuan goals (which are long overdue already. which makes me scared that I've failing before it even begins), and the list goes on.
But that's not the point of this post. Fact is, it sounds a lot like complaining, which is not where this is going. The reality is I'd be really surprised if I am the only person who has or is feeling this way. I believe a lot of this anxiety has built up specifically because I have spent so little time around the kwoon.
Last night, I drove by the kwoon, long after it was locked and there was not a soul in sight. I have no idea what motivated me to do so, but I sat and stared through the windows for a while. I looked at the dragon in the corner, the tiles on the walls, the lion heads, the framed photos near the ceiling, trying to take in every little detail. For a moment I felt like I was inside, even though I wasn't, and I felt a sense of calm for a few minutes that I am still confused about.
I decided that today I would go to the kwoon during sansou class, regardless of how I felt, at least just to sit and watch as much as possible. Which I did. I was expecting to see, watch, learn, think about kung fu a little bit as I have before, but something even more surprising happened. I didn't think about anything at all. I was just watching. I wasn't really thinking about what I was seeing, because I was amazed at how calm I felt for the first time in a while.
I still don't clearly understand what this is all about, and I apologize if it seems like I'm rambling. These last two days have left me lots to think about. But what I do know is that somehow, without me knowing when, the kwoon has become very much a part of me, and I hope, me a part of it. If I was a battery, it appears that the kwoon has become a charging dock for me.
Part of the reason why I am chewing on this so much is because I feel like I am right around the point that I am looking for but I can't seem to zoom in on it. I keep going around the very thing I am looking for. I like to try and keep things clear, straightforward, in a very quantitative way. I feel like this is going to take awhile to sort, define, and understand in a quantitative way.
And we always like to see you there too:)You're right though--when youve put lots of time and energy (positive that is) into something, you do get some of it back-like the charging station you mentioned:)
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